Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
