McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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