I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
