Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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