I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
