You smell like a Billy Joel song
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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