It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
