You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
