I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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