well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
