I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
