i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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