So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
