i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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