You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
