I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
