Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
