Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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