He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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