Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
