And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
