How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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