I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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