She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
