I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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