I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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