Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
