Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
