If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
