It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
