you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
