i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
