Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
