Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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