i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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