I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
