you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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