i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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