My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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