yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
farters have to be the big spoon...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
