By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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