...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
