hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
