This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
