If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Randomize
