I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
