i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
