before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Ladies don't puke and tell
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
