he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
