i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
