Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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