I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
