My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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