it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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