Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
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ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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