We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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