wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
