you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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