oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
