Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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