I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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