Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
